When the absent parent "wins"

So most of you know by now if you have been following my blogs that I have some issues. Be it family or friends or even just with me. I wanted to write about this for a long time just to kind of vent it out. The hatred I have inside of me that at one point I didn't even realize I had until recently.

I have always been a single parent at some point since I had my first child when I was 15. I will brag just for a moment because I have wonderful amazing children that I adore (almost always lol) but their dads are another story. People always say they made a mistake or wish they could change things. I don't when it comes to the choices I have made. Because if I hadn't I wouldn't have the children I have. Although at some point I am sure their father's feel differently.

Each of my three kids have their own father. I know I know what your thinking. But understand this my children are four and three years apart from the first to middle and middle to last. It's not what you thought me just jumping from one guy to another. Calm down. But they do each have their own fathers and I have been the one to raise them for the most part.

My oldest daughter who is now 16 about to be 17 currently lives with her dad. It's a choice she made three years ago. In her words "To see what it was like and your to overprotective" Up until that point I have always had her. I was 15 in 1995 when she was born and turned 16 a couple month's later. I know what your thinking to. Believe me I have heard it all but that is for a different blog. We were young and I didn't want to do that anymore. So my daughter and I left and I started raising her by myself. Her father had gone into the military and we were communicating but at that age it's more about "me" then us or a family. So raising her I did besides finishing school and working full time. Needless to say I was tired exhausted and overwhelmed. But we did it, she and I, we made it through. Her father and I are not on the best of terms. We don't speak at all to each other if we don't have to. We communicate through our daughter when necessary. He's an ass. That's just it. It's my opinion of him. I am sure he thinks the same of me but it is what it is I'm afraid.

Now let me tell you why I think this. Because I had put everything aside for her. I stayed up late, went to doctor's appts, did all the thing's I was supposed to do with and for her but he, he got a free get out of jail card. He wasn't there. Period end of story. He wasn't there. He would come and go in her life like the wind. Sometimes for a week or a month or several month's but that's it. He did keep her for several months when she was a baby a little over one so that he could get out of the military. He was supposed to have her for his Christmas break and then he went back to Florida where he was stationed and left her with his mother. He never really even had her. He went so far as to tell the Navy that I had abandoned her so that they let him out honorably discharged and then two weeks later brought her back to me and he left and didn't see her again for awhile. No calls no nothing. He even once tried to take her out of daycare and they wouldn't let him. The next day I kept her at my apartment with my friend because of that and he then broke into my apartment trying to take her. I had to quit my apartment my job and my life and moved out of state to make sure she and I were safe. And when we were settled and had an apartment and a job and had our new lives going he tried to file for full custody of her. I had to drop everything again and come back to Texas to deal with a custody battle. The biggest problem though was that I was pregnant. My middle daughter's father lived there and I lived here. So when I had to come back and stay in Texas he stayed there. Not only did my middle daughter and I lose him, I had to pay a lawyer ten grand to get custody of my daughter and my ex husband who had filed the paperwork didn't have a lawyer or even a job. I went to court out of the city I lived almost two hours away for six months. Almost my whole pregnancy because he kept telling the judge he was getting a lawyer. But finally in the end 5 days before her 4th birthday it was over, I had won custody. Me being the nice parent invited him and whomever he chose to bring to her party so that she would know that although we weren't together she still had both of us. He never showed, never called, nothing. As the year's went by and the older she got she wanted to know more and more and I tried telling her as much as I could. I didn't even tell her half the things he had done. Like when she was six and in Kindergarten, he was coming over on the weekends to pick her up. And the first couple of weekends he was great. Then he would drop her off on Sunday later and later. Until the last Sunday when it was midnight and I had called the police because I had no idea where they were, had not recieved a phone call and with his past history you just never know. He brings her home at midnight knowing she had school the next day. Did I press charges no should I have yes but I didn't want that for her. I wanted her to be able to choose for herself. It's why she has never known a lot of these things because I didn't want to choose for her. Although the things HIS mother told her (which weren't true by the way) were all negative about me and the thing's he told her was that I wouldn't let him see her. Along with these truth's I just layed out for you. Thing's I would never have told her because they were between he and I, not he I and her. Still time has gone by and I haven't heard from him. She was about 12 the next time he popped into her life. When I say popped I mean I found him online and messaged him. And let me say this at this point NO child support had been paid ever. I had paid everything for her. She didn't want to see him at first. But I made her go. I knew she might regret making that choice if she didn't at least try and now I regret it. Because now she lives with him. I know right amzing someone who is over 20k in child support get's to have her live with them.Over the course of the next few years and her becoming a teenager somehow he manged to talk her into coming to live with him. I will admit I fought it for a year. Because I knew how it was going to be. He, in the time he wasn't around, had gotten remarried and had more children. She was a novelty when she went on her weekend visit's and it was fun because she only saw him two or three weekends out of the month. But she is very much my daughter. She told me I was to overprotective and I favored her sibilings over her. Teenagers.  But as it seems no matter how much I scarificed and no matter how much I lied and excused his absence he won. By bribing and lieing to her he had gotten his revenage on me. He had the one thing I couldn't live without. My daughter.

In the end I gave her what she wanted. That last time we went to court I gave my permission for her to live there. I have to say it was one of the hardest and most painful decisions I have ever made.  It was a major adjustment not having her on a full time basis. And I admit to allowing the anger to swallow me up and I was so mad and hurt that I didn't even speak to her for eight months. But in the end my feelings and love for her overcame my hurt that I was feeling. I was still her mother, I always will be. And as sad as this sounds, I am one of the few people who can tell her the stories about her childhood. Her first food, bath, when she walked. I have to be in her life. She was about to have the biggest milestones and I couldn't miss them when I had been there for all the others. So I sucked up my hurt and pride and became the mother she still needed.

It's been a couple of years since all this happened and although we don't have the same relationship we did before the one we have now is pretty great. I never realized how great it is being the fun parent. Oh don't get me wrong we still have our issues and our fights, but we are so much alike it's to be expected. But for now anyways, I get to be the "good" parent. A role I have never had before. I get to take her out and do things and just have fun, If she get's in trouble her dad has to deal with it. It's actually nice on this end. I do miss having her every day. And as much as I don't want to admit it I am sorry that her dad is having to deal with issues that deal with boys etc. But I am glad that our realtionship is good and that we connected as mother/daughter and we are learning to transition into a mother/friend realtionship since pretty soon she will be grown and an adult. And if there is any justification in it all, she told me the other day she see's what I was trying to tell her and now she understand's why I pushed so hard againest it.

What are you stories with the other parent? How do you handle/deal with them? Any advice for those who are just starting this kind of journey or for someome who might be at their wit's end?

What about your grandkids

I don't know what is with grandparent's lately. I have read so many articles online about the "baby boomer" generation and how selfish they are. And although I don't have any grandkids of my own yet, (or anytime soon since my children are teenagers) I do know what kind of grandparent I won't be.

I have always had several different sets of grandparent's with both of my parent's being divorced and remarried. I had at one time four or five different sets because my birth mother had been a foster child when she was younger as well. Her real parent's were never around so I never really got to know them. My dad's parent's I was around. I love my Papaw. He was amazing. I can't for the life of me every remember him telling us no or being mean to us. He is and has always been my favorite. Someone I truly respect and honor. When he goes I know there will be a big whole in my heart for him. My Nana on the other hand is a whole other subject. I do remember a lot of things about her. Like how she favors to this day my brother over all of my dad's kids. Or how she favors some of my other cousins over other's. Or how she would yell at us constantly about little things. I do remember one time when my dad and ex stepmother were fighting bad and we had to go stay with my grandparent's for a week. It was awful and I was so scared. I should have felt peaceful but I didn't. I would love going to their house to see my grandfather but that funny feeling in my stomach about my grandmother is there and always will be. It makes family get togethers very weird. So much to the point that I hadn't gone in years to a family function until recently and when I did I felt like I was the outsider instead of my boyfriend. I don't remember them coming to our games or watching us when we had drill team. The older we got it seemed the less interested in us she was. It's sad to think of all the wonderful things she missed out on and now with my children. How much she has missed with them. It's not everyone who gets to see their great grandchildren. She didn't even meet my son until he was five or six.

I did have a wonderful set of grandparent's. My mom's foster family. They were it for me. It was never an issue for them that we weren't blood. They treated us equally and fairly and to them we were their grand kids. Every Christmas, birthdays, holidays they were there. Our games, our school activities. When my dad and ex step mom went to Vegas. My great aunt and great grandmother would drive us to school twenty five minutes away. They got up extra early and made us full breakfasts. My sister and I were the coolest kids because when they packed our lunches they would have like fresh strawberries and roast with veggies. It was awesome. My real mom wasn't around so for me they were my other parent. Weekends and summers it was great and even when I started having my own children they were there. It hurts sometimes because although my daughters knew them somewhat my son never will. They are what grandparent's should be like. Supportive and nice and calming and just there.

I had my ex step mom's family as well and since her parent's were divorced I had two sets of grandparent's for them. Her mom and her mom'shusband and her sister's were great with us and for the most part always treated us the same. Her dad on the other hand and his wife were the complete opposite. We knew we were the step kids and were treated that way. It was hard back then and I think that has something to do with some of the issues I had with these articles on grandparent's today because of my own childhood experiences.

My new stepmother and my dad are great with my kids. They have been there for them and although both of my parent's work full time. They make an effort to see them when they can. My stepmother calls at least once a week and checks on them. I am sure though that we speak way more then that. My dad has taken my son and done the grandparent bonding things. And my daughters absolutely adore him. They love him and you can see their face's light up when we talk about them. Or if they call my cell they are begging to talk and have me tell them things. My dad calls and my youngest daughter is don't tell grandpa this about that boy etc. She want's him to always be proud of her. All three of my children know that my dad and step mom will always be there for them. And yet it's still sad. Because now my children have to deal with the same issue's I do with some of their other grandparent's.

I will say this I know exactly the kind of grandparent I am going to be. I am so looking forward to it. I know I will be one of the younger grandparent's since I am only 32 now and my oldest daughter is 16. ( I assume by the time she's in her middle to late twenty's she will have children which would make me only in my 40's) I am still going to enjoy every minute I can with them. We never know how long we have and I don't want to waist a second of it.

So here's my question to you what kind of  grandparent's did you have? What kind of grandparent do you want to be?

If you want more information on families here is a link to help

When your family is crazy!!!!!!!!!!!

I got a text the other day from one of my nieces saying her dad was mad. I ask her why. She says because I am talking to you. Really I mean seriously. The girl looks just like me. And now she is curious since my brother never told her about her aunts. So I asked her why? I mean what could you possibly not like so much about me that you would tell your child not to talk to me. You know what she tells me "hes says's your trouble". Trouble. I have a job and am raising my kids. I have never done drugs and only drink socially occasionally. I went to high school (with this family member) and college. I graduated with a degree and do accounting for a living. I speak to my father and other members of our family. My children are happy healthy and do well in school. I have really great friends that I love. I am not overly dramatic and have obviously grown up considering I am raising three teenagers of my own. SO how could I be trouble? You know what upsets me most. When I first started speaking to my niece on a social website. (Yes I have always known about them and I knew their mother) she mentioned her dad and my responses were good ones. " I know he loves you, I know he has always wanted you. He will be there for you. Just talked to him if your upset." Although I haven't spoken to my brother in years, I still said nice things about him. Things that we should be saying because we are family. I am a very loyal person. I have always been this way since I was little. I don't know why and it's probably why I'm still single but I have always been loyal. And now the only brother I have is not. He's telling people, his children, our own blood, I'm trouble. THAT HURTS.

We used to be close my brother and I when we were all little. There are only a handful of memories I have that I can recall my brother playing with us or being with us. He was a boy after all and my twin and I were girls. But they are good memories. Us playing in the back yard. Our white poodle BOBO running and chasing us. Our dog Poochie. Our drill team and his football. Our peewee activities and things like that. Of course things changed in high school. He was older and we were three years younger. But it was like he was embarrassed of us. No one even knew he had sisters when we started high school. He used to have to drive us and of course we couldn't talk to him. UGHH teenage boys, but I still thought he loved us. I loved him.  I would have done anything he asked me back then. I still would. If I had to choose between me or him living I would choose him. I would give him a kidney if he needed it but after that conversation he had with his daughter I don't think he would. We were all close, the three of  us, when we became adults. We used to hang out together go play pool and hang out together. We all spent New Year's together at my sister's house. I don't really know when everything changed but I do know once he got married things were different. I know what your thinking little sister not wanting to share and it really wasn't like that. We were nice to my sister in law. I mean yes we did grow up differently, she with both her parent's and close family, us with our everything is perfect on the outside family.  We did talk my sister in law and I. I thought we were friends up until about two years ago and then she just stopped talking to me. I don't know why or what her reasons are but about the time my grandmother died she just stopped Every once in a while she would text or something but then nothing for months on end. It's cool though she's busy I was busy so I never really let it bother me till now. I understand that her family is really close and ours although I do love my father's side of the family and no matter what they do or say to almost anyone (excluding other family members) I will stand up for them, my brother and nieces and nephews have two families. She may not want to be included with us but they are blood. What happened to blood is thicker then water? What happened to family first? Recently I went to our mall and saw my other niece there with her mom (different moms) and of course I stopped and hugged and spoke to her, she's my niece. Her mother and my brother dated in high school. We were all friends back then. She taught us how to shuffle cards fancy style and I went to play with my niece when she was a baby. I was still a teenager back then and you know how life is, Not that it's an excuse but it's what happened. So now that my beautiful wonderful niece is giving me a chance. I'm taking it. We are a family and if I have loyalty for my siblings then I should for my nieces and nephews as well. I got a text message from my sister in law asking if I had been talking to her. And when I said yeah I had seen them at the mall her reply "That figures"

 I don't know if my brother feels this way or if it's her feelings pushed on him. I do know the men in our family let women dictate for them.(my awful step mother it's a another story I will tell you later) so maybe it's not him but her or maybe it's both. Or maybe it is me. Either way I don't know what to do or think, I don't want to go through life without my brother but at the same time I don't what to be around someone who doesn't want me. So what do you do. I mean how awkward would a family get together be. Not that we really have them anymore. SO my question is this. How do you fix this????????????????? 

Kate's Bully and Realizing it's not all Black and White

Recently I went on a rampage when my daughter Katie is who is 13 had been acting weird all afternoon after coming home from school. I couldn't for the life of me see what the problem was. I mean she is my happy go lucky child. She wakes up happy and smiling, never stops talking, and is still talking when she goes to sleep at night. Her phone (yes she has a cell) had been going off all day but not that unusual she is a teenage girl. During dinner I made her put it up and she had told me she was using it to help with her homework. She kept going into the bathroom a lot and staying there for 10 to 20 minutes. The last time this happened it was 8:00 pm and she still hadn't finished her work. I looked at her and my normal happy child had the most heart breaking look on her face and I just knew something was wrong. She didn't want to tell me at first until I insisted and she just broke down crying. Big fat tears rolling down my angelic sweet dimpled blue eyed blond haired child and I broke. I wanted to know what was so bad that she my "good" child was so upset about. She was being bullied. One of her supposed friends was going around saying she was going to kick her butt at school. And to top it all off she sent it to Kate on text messages. I was livid. How DARE this girl threaten my child. What could Katie possibly have done to go to the extreme that this teenage girl felt the need to text not 20 times or even 50 but 96 times in one afternoon. There were messages calling my daughter a whore and a bitch and a fugly (f.... ugly I had to look that one up) calling her a fat a.. Saying that all their mutual friends weren't Kate's friends anymore and she didn't belong in school. Texting her message after message of awful things and here my daughter was taking it. She even sent messages apologizing to this girl when she hadn't done anything wrong. She was still apologizing to her. I grab my daughters phone and texted this diva to have her mother call me now. I was going to let this girl's mother know exactly the harm her daughter was causing only to have her mother an adult who I assumed was like me and would demand her child to stop tell me that I needed to check my child because her daughter had the right to do this. That if Kate hadn't "talked" about her daughter to other girl's it wouldn't have happened.  That her daughter had anger issues so it was okay. Needless to say I was shocked. I had lost all thought and reason. Couldn't even speak. I was sitting listening to this adult tell me it was my daughter's fault that her child was a bully and I needed to "handle mine". Then I got really mad. I admit I went off on this mom. I told her even if Kate had said something (which by the way she didn't and it was confirmed with the other girls) that it didn't justify the abuse and threats that her child was belting out. I asked this "mother,"  because she isn't really one no decent mother or adult would allow a child to do and say the things she did, if she was going to fix this. The mom tells me that there's nothing wrong that it was my child who needed to be taken care of. WELL then alright. I will fix it myself. I told her I hoped she had a good lawyer because in this state we don't tolerate threats and I had 96 messages to back up my claims. I was going to do what I needed to do to protect my child.  I was going to the school the next morning and the police to file a report. I hung up on her mother because it was pointless like talking to a stone wall. I did continue to get messages on her phone from this girl. This time saying she was really sorry and that she was just mad and couldn't control her mouth. That she was going through a lot of things and just took it out on Kate. That she was trying to get sober and was under so much stress. As I continued to read the messages I stopped. Wait did she just say sober? Turns out this girl was using drugs and had been since she was ten. She was texting she wanted to die. This fourteen year old girl didn't want to live anymore. Then I broke again but this time not for my child but for someone else's. I went through a lot of thing's when I was that age. I was a teen mom but I in all my 32 years had never been addicted to any drug or alcohol. And here this teenager this little girl had been doing it since she was ten. And now she was trying to get sober and it was so hard she wanted to die. She was upset because she thought Katie had betrayed her friendship and her boyfriend had apparently died that week form drugs as well. And then it hit me. Kate had known all this time, they were friends, this girl's worst secrets and she had never even told me. I knew then what exactly Kate had done for her. She had been a normal friend. One without vices, without issues or drama and she thought she had lost that. That this girl no longer had a trusting shoulder to cry on and spill her secrets to. She was alone and hurting and so she wanted to hurt the person who had what she wanted. A parent who loved their child and paid attention to their wants and needs. It wasn't even a hard choice at that point I became the mature adult I was supposed to be and started sending messages back. Encouraging this teen to not do anything drastic. That she had her whole life ahead of her to look forward to. That this wasn't the end just a fresh start and new beginning. I became the mom she needed.

I did got to the school the next morning with my daughter and her phone. Kate's school has a police officer on campus as well as a gentleman who is in charge of all the safety and security of the students. I showed them the text messages and let Kate tell them what her side of the story was.  These men whose job it is to protect our children while they are in school told me that their wasn't much they could do. That girl's were sometimes mean and that this bully did apologize for what she had said and done. That she said in the text she wasn't going to beat Katie up after all and that was good enough for them.They didn't even go through ten of the messages. I asked my daughter to step outside of the room that I wanted to speak to these men alone for a moment. I was furious. I came to them to have this situation taken care of . It was their job to take care of it. And to have these men tell both Kate and myself that it seemed the situation would work itself out. That there was a zero tolerance policy at the school and although yes Katie was being bullied that if she wasn't cornered into a wall or having the person on top of her where she couldn't walk away that she would face the same punishment. That punishment being arrested and sent to juvey. They told my daughter who is a teacher's aide who I could right now go and get signatures from not only her middle school teachers  now but her elementary school teachers as well that she would be arrested for defending herself. It was absolutely ridiculous. I felt awful like I had failed her again. These men wanted her to have a mediation with this girl. This broken addicted girl. The same one who is threatening her. As bad as I felt for the child and all the problems she was going through I still didn't want my daughter near her. You hear and see all the horror stories on the news and reading online and of course I imagine the worst. Whose to say this girl who clearly has access to drugs didn't have access to weapons. That me reporting this to the school would set her off again and she would want to retaliate against Kate. And what about this girl. She was obviously having major issues at home. Where was the help for her. The adults who she could go to if she needed anything. Are they telling her the same thing they were telling us? We as parent's are supposed to raise our children but who is there when we fail at our job. Where's the justice in two teen girls needing support and help and so much more from the teachers and staff they are supposed to go to when they can't go to their parent's. It just seemed so wrong. We need to do more for our children. We need to be there for the one's whose parent's aren't and we need to stop this cycle of abuse and drugs and "pushing" things under the rug. I went to the superintendent about all of these concerns.

Kate and the girl are still in school. For the first week after this happened the officer followed Kate around school. Katie of course hated it. She said she felt like she was the one in trouble. The next day after the mediation all of their mutual friends knew. The supposed "don't involve anyone else" order was not followed by the girl. That first day back was hard for Kate none of the girls would talk to her and she ended up eating alone at lunch. The school counselor spoke with Kate and even some of her teacher's who had heard from some of the other kids kept an eye on both girls. They still had most of the classes together. The teachers made Kate feel better and told her to hold her chin up she could do this. And she did. She stood up and showed them that she was stronger than that and that she wasn't going to be bullied. And she showed me how courageous she was. As the days went by the rest of the girls started to talk to her again. That third day when she had come home from school she was back to her old self. She was my Kate again. My loving adorable kid who laughed and loved everything.. She had said her friends realized the truth (thanks to some very caring teachers) and that they were tired of being bullied to. The kids went on spring break and now that they are back in school everything seems to have be forgotten. I still think about the girl who for a second turned my family upside down. I hope that everyone who was involved in this learned a lesson. And I hope she gets the help she is desperately crying out for. Everything isn't black and white. Sometimes it's gray,


StopBullying.gov/live           Get Help Now                              

The problem	What you can do
There has been a crime or someone is at immediate risk of harm.	Call 911.
Someone is feeling hopeless, helpless, thinking of suicide.	Contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline online or at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The toll-free call goes to the nearest crisis center in our national network. These centers provide 24-hour crisis counseling and mental health referrals.
Someone is acting differently than normal, such as always seeming sad or anxious, struggling to complete tasks, or not being able care for themselves.	Find a local counselor or other mental health services
A child is being bullied in school.	Contact the: Teacher School counselor School principal School superintendent State Department of Education See more on working with the school.
The school is not adequately addressing harassment based on race, color, national origin, sex, disability, or religion.	Contact: School superintendent State Department of Education U.S. Department of Education, Office for Civil Rights U.S. Department of Justice, Civil Rights Division

Teen Pregnancy

29-Year-Old Grandmother Had It Coming

 

 

So I read this article that Stir Cafemom did on "29-Year-Old Grandmother Had It Coming" about how a woman in the UK was going to be considered the youngest Grandmother at age 29. There were tons of comments on what the grandmother had to be thinking and what she should and shouldn't have done so heres my opinion.

 

 

I have sat here and read every single one of the comments about this article. There are many things that many have written that I find absurd and down right dumb. Teens will be teens. They will choose to do what they feel is right and wron...g themselves. It doesn't matter if we sit with them at home every night watching them. They will just skip school the next day. I was a teenage mom. I was 15 when I had my daughter and she is 16 now. She is a wonderful smart and open child. She is also on birth control and although she knows my wishes to wait until she is ready and at an age where she will be able to emoitionaly handle sex we both know that she will do what she wants. My point to this is we don't know all the answers of what the grandmother did or didn't say. We don't know what the 14 year old was thinking. I do know that I have discussed with both my teenage daughters (my other daughter is 13) the importance of sex and what it means. And when my second daughter is ready or thinks she might be then I will also take her to the doctor as well. But no matter how much I have spoken educated and taken premitive steps to avoid teenage pregenancy it still doesn't mean it wont happen. In this society we should be more supporative not condeming. Look at the resources we had and now what they have. My life wasn't easy and I had to do it on my own because my father was like many of you. Get an aboration, get married. If you didn't think I could handle a child what made you think I could handle those decisions. I have heard baby raising baby and numberous taunts and back lashing. But I never once heard encouragment understanding or just acceptance as a person. All of my children are happy heathly and growing. They are straight A students who for the most part make good choices. But understand that I at 15 started them on this path and she in two years will graduate high school like I did and go to college like I did. It's not about what's right or wrong it's about what we can do to be better. Some might not have the influences to show them how to make good choices. We just don't know. We could be the next teenagers answer or gift to stop them from making those kind of choices. But if all we do is sit here and judge and condemn then we are no better or smarter the the teenagers and we learned nothing. You never know whom or what you might learn fix or change if for just two seconds we keep an open mind. I do know this after reading this comments I was a much better person and parent at 15 then some of the people who made comments.Dont judge, encourage, support and just be kind. Sometimes all teens want is someone who will listen without the advice shoved down their throats. The kids these days are smart and who know's maybe you could make a difference in their lives

 

What do you guys think?