So most of you know by now if you have been following my blogs that I have some issues. Be it family or friends or even just with me. I wanted to write about this for a long time just to kind of vent it out. The hatred I have inside of me that at one point I didn't even realize I had until recently.
I have always been a single parent at some point since I had my first child when I was 15. I will brag just for a moment because I have wonderful amazing children that I adore (almost always lol) but their dads are another story. People always say they made a mistake or wish they could change things. I don't when it comes to the choices I have made. Because if I hadn't I wouldn't have the children I have. Although at some point I am sure their father's feel differently.
Each of my three kids have their own father. I know I know what your thinking. But understand this my children are four and three years apart from the first to middle and middle to last. It's not what you thought me just jumping from one guy to another. Calm down. But they do each have their own fathers and I have been the one to raise them for the most part.
My oldest daughter who is now 16 about to be 17 currently lives with her dad. It's a choice she made three years ago. In her words "To see what it was like and your to overprotective" Up until that point I have always had her. I was 15 in 1995 when she was born and turned 16 a couple month's later. I know what your thinking to. Believe me I have heard it all but that is for a different blog. We were young and I didn't want to do that anymore. So my daughter and I left and I started raising her by myself. Her father had gone into the military and we were communicating but at that age it's more about "me" then us or a family. So raising her I did besides finishing school and working full time. Needless to say I was tired exhausted and overwhelmed. But we did it, she and I, we made it through. Her father and I are not on the best of terms. We don't speak at all to each other if we don't have to. We communicate through our daughter when necessary. He's an ass. That's just it. It's my opinion of him. I am sure he thinks the same of me but it is what it is I'm afraid.
Now let me tell you why I think this. Because I had put everything aside for her. I stayed up late, went to doctor's appts, did all the thing's I was supposed to do with and for her but he, he got a free get out of jail card. He wasn't there. Period end of story. He wasn't there. He would come and go in her life like the wind. Sometimes for a week or a month or several month's but that's it. He did keep her for several months when she was a baby a little over one so that he could get out of the military. He was supposed to have her for his Christmas break and then he went back to Florida where he was stationed and left her with his mother. He never really even had her. He went so far as to tell the Navy that I had abandoned her so that they let him out honorably discharged and then two weeks later brought her back to me and he left and didn't see her again for awhile. No calls no nothing. He even once tried to take her out of daycare and they wouldn't let him. The next day I kept her at my apartment with my friend because of that and he then broke into my apartment trying to take her. I had to quit my apartment my job and my life and moved out of state to make sure she and I were safe. And when we were settled and had an apartment and a job and had our new lives going he tried to file for full custody of her. I had to drop everything again and come back to Texas to deal with a custody battle. The biggest problem though was that I was pregnant. My middle daughter's father lived there and I lived here. So when I had to come back and stay in Texas he stayed there. Not only did my middle daughter and I lose him, I had to pay a lawyer ten grand to get custody of my daughter and my ex husband who had filed the paperwork didn't have a lawyer or even a job. I went to court out of the city I lived almost two hours away for six months. Almost my whole pregnancy because he kept telling the judge he was getting a lawyer. But finally in the end 5 days before her 4th birthday it was over, I had won custody. Me being the nice parent invited him and whomever he chose to bring to her party so that she would know that although we weren't together she still had both of us. He never showed, never called, nothing. As the year's went by and the older she got she wanted to know more and more and I tried telling her as much as I could. I didn't even tell her half the things he had done. Like when she was six and in Kindergarten, he was coming over on the weekends to pick her up. And the first couple of weekends he was great. Then he would drop her off on Sunday later and later. Until the last Sunday when it was midnight and I had called the police because I had no idea where they were, had not recieved a phone call and with his past history you just never know. He brings her home at midnight knowing she had school the next day. Did I press charges no should I have yes but I didn't want that for her. I wanted her to be able to choose for herself. It's why she has never known a lot of these things because I didn't want to choose for her. Although the things HIS mother told her (which weren't true by the way) were all negative about me and the thing's he told her was that I wouldn't let him see her. Along with these truth's I just layed out for you. Thing's I would never have told her because they were between he and I, not he I and her. Still time has gone by and I haven't heard from him. She was about 12 the next time he popped into her life. When I say popped I mean I found him online and messaged him. And let me say this at this point NO child support had been paid ever. I had paid everything for her. She didn't want to see him at first. But I made her go. I knew she might regret making that choice if she didn't at least try and now I regret it. Because now she lives with him. I know right amzing someone who is over 20k in child support get's to have her live with them.Over the course of the next few years and her becoming a teenager somehow he manged to talk her into coming to live with him. I will admit I fought it for a year. Because I knew how it was going to be. He, in the time he wasn't around, had gotten remarried and had more children. She was a novelty when she went on her weekend visit's and it was fun because she only saw him two or three weekends out of the month. But she is very much my daughter. She told me I was to overprotective and I favored her sibilings over her. Teenagers. But as it seems no matter how much I scarificed and no matter how much I lied and excused his absence he won. By bribing and lieing to her he had gotten his revenage on me. He had the one thing I couldn't live without. My daughter.
In the end I gave her what she wanted. That last time we went to court I gave my permission for her to live there. I have to say it was one of the hardest and most painful decisions I have ever made. It was a major adjustment not having her on a full time basis. And I admit to allowing the anger to swallow me up and I was so mad and hurt that I didn't even speak to her for eight months. But in the end my feelings and love for her overcame my hurt that I was feeling. I was still her mother, I always will be. And as sad as this sounds, I am one of the few people who can tell her the stories about her childhood. Her first food, bath, when she walked. I have to be in her life. She was about to have the biggest milestones and I couldn't miss them when I had been there for all the others. So I sucked up my hurt and pride and became the mother she still needed.
It's been a couple of years since all this happened and although we don't have the same relationship we did before the one we have now is pretty great. I never realized how great it is being the fun parent. Oh don't get me wrong we still have our issues and our fights, but we are so much alike it's to be expected. But for now anyways, I get to be the "good" parent. A role I have never had before. I get to take her out and do things and just have fun, If she get's in trouble her dad has to deal with it. It's actually nice on this end. I do miss having her every day. And as much as I don't want to admit it I am sorry that her dad is having to deal with issues that deal with boys etc. But I am glad that our realtionship is good and that we connected as mother/daughter and we are learning to transition into a mother/friend realtionship since pretty soon she will be grown and an adult. And if there is any justification in it all, she told me the other day she see's what I was trying to tell her and now she understand's why I pushed so hard againest it.
What are you stories with the other parent? How do you handle/deal with them? Any advice for those who are just starting this kind of journey or for someome who might be at their wit's end?
I have always been a single parent at some point since I had my first child when I was 15. I will brag just for a moment because I have wonderful amazing children that I adore (almost always lol) but their dads are another story. People always say they made a mistake or wish they could change things. I don't when it comes to the choices I have made. Because if I hadn't I wouldn't have the children I have. Although at some point I am sure their father's feel differently.
Each of my three kids have their own father. I know I know what your thinking. But understand this my children are four and three years apart from the first to middle and middle to last. It's not what you thought me just jumping from one guy to another. Calm down. But they do each have their own fathers and I have been the one to raise them for the most part.
My oldest daughter who is now 16 about to be 17 currently lives with her dad. It's a choice she made three years ago. In her words "To see what it was like and your to overprotective" Up until that point I have always had her. I was 15 in 1995 when she was born and turned 16 a couple month's later. I know what your thinking to. Believe me I have heard it all but that is for a different blog. We were young and I didn't want to do that anymore. So my daughter and I left and I started raising her by myself. Her father had gone into the military and we were communicating but at that age it's more about "me" then us or a family. So raising her I did besides finishing school and working full time. Needless to say I was tired exhausted and overwhelmed. But we did it, she and I, we made it through. Her father and I are not on the best of terms. We don't speak at all to each other if we don't have to. We communicate through our daughter when necessary. He's an ass. That's just it. It's my opinion of him. I am sure he thinks the same of me but it is what it is I'm afraid.
Now let me tell you why I think this. Because I had put everything aside for her. I stayed up late, went to doctor's appts, did all the thing's I was supposed to do with and for her but he, he got a free get out of jail card. He wasn't there. Period end of story. He wasn't there. He would come and go in her life like the wind. Sometimes for a week or a month or several month's but that's it. He did keep her for several months when she was a baby a little over one so that he could get out of the military. He was supposed to have her for his Christmas break and then he went back to Florida where he was stationed and left her with his mother. He never really even had her. He went so far as to tell the Navy that I had abandoned her so that they let him out honorably discharged and then two weeks later brought her back to me and he left and didn't see her again for awhile. No calls no nothing. He even once tried to take her out of daycare and they wouldn't let him. The next day I kept her at my apartment with my friend because of that and he then broke into my apartment trying to take her. I had to quit my apartment my job and my life and moved out of state to make sure she and I were safe. And when we were settled and had an apartment and a job and had our new lives going he tried to file for full custody of her. I had to drop everything again and come back to Texas to deal with a custody battle. The biggest problem though was that I was pregnant. My middle daughter's father lived there and I lived here. So when I had to come back and stay in Texas he stayed there. Not only did my middle daughter and I lose him, I had to pay a lawyer ten grand to get custody of my daughter and my ex husband who had filed the paperwork didn't have a lawyer or even a job. I went to court out of the city I lived almost two hours away for six months. Almost my whole pregnancy because he kept telling the judge he was getting a lawyer. But finally in the end 5 days before her 4th birthday it was over, I had won custody. Me being the nice parent invited him and whomever he chose to bring to her party so that she would know that although we weren't together she still had both of us. He never showed, never called, nothing. As the year's went by and the older she got she wanted to know more and more and I tried telling her as much as I could. I didn't even tell her half the things he had done. Like when she was six and in Kindergarten, he was coming over on the weekends to pick her up. And the first couple of weekends he was great. Then he would drop her off on Sunday later and later. Until the last Sunday when it was midnight and I had called the police because I had no idea where they were, had not recieved a phone call and with his past history you just never know. He brings her home at midnight knowing she had school the next day. Did I press charges no should I have yes but I didn't want that for her. I wanted her to be able to choose for herself. It's why she has never known a lot of these things because I didn't want to choose for her. Although the things HIS mother told her (which weren't true by the way) were all negative about me and the thing's he told her was that I wouldn't let him see her. Along with these truth's I just layed out for you. Thing's I would never have told her because they were between he and I, not he I and her. Still time has gone by and I haven't heard from him. She was about 12 the next time he popped into her life. When I say popped I mean I found him online and messaged him. And let me say this at this point NO child support had been paid ever. I had paid everything for her. She didn't want to see him at first. But I made her go. I knew she might regret making that choice if she didn't at least try and now I regret it. Because now she lives with him. I know right amzing someone who is over 20k in child support get's to have her live with them.Over the course of the next few years and her becoming a teenager somehow he manged to talk her into coming to live with him. I will admit I fought it for a year. Because I knew how it was going to be. He, in the time he wasn't around, had gotten remarried and had more children. She was a novelty when she went on her weekend visit's and it was fun because she only saw him two or three weekends out of the month. But she is very much my daughter. She told me I was to overprotective and I favored her sibilings over her. Teenagers. But as it seems no matter how much I scarificed and no matter how much I lied and excused his absence he won. By bribing and lieing to her he had gotten his revenage on me. He had the one thing I couldn't live without. My daughter.
In the end I gave her what she wanted. That last time we went to court I gave my permission for her to live there. I have to say it was one of the hardest and most painful decisions I have ever made. It was a major adjustment not having her on a full time basis. And I admit to allowing the anger to swallow me up and I was so mad and hurt that I didn't even speak to her for eight months. But in the end my feelings and love for her overcame my hurt that I was feeling. I was still her mother, I always will be. And as sad as this sounds, I am one of the few people who can tell her the stories about her childhood. Her first food, bath, when she walked. I have to be in her life. She was about to have the biggest milestones and I couldn't miss them when I had been there for all the others. So I sucked up my hurt and pride and became the mother she still needed.
It's been a couple of years since all this happened and although we don't have the same relationship we did before the one we have now is pretty great. I never realized how great it is being the fun parent. Oh don't get me wrong we still have our issues and our fights, but we are so much alike it's to be expected. But for now anyways, I get to be the "good" parent. A role I have never had before. I get to take her out and do things and just have fun, If she get's in trouble her dad has to deal with it. It's actually nice on this end. I do miss having her every day. And as much as I don't want to admit it I am sorry that her dad is having to deal with issues that deal with boys etc. But I am glad that our realtionship is good and that we connected as mother/daughter and we are learning to transition into a mother/friend realtionship since pretty soon she will be grown and an adult. And if there is any justification in it all, she told me the other day she see's what I was trying to tell her and now she understand's why I pushed so hard againest it.
What are you stories with the other parent? How do you handle/deal with them? Any advice for those who are just starting this kind of journey or for someome who might be at their wit's end?
Well Jennifer I commend you on raising your children. Now I'm going to speak of the same situation but from a different perspective, the male perspective. And it's not going to be as different as you think it may be. Well I'm a father who was in a relationship with a woman approximately 2 years and a beautiful little girl was made during this relationship. My daughter is now 1 years old. There are alot of past issues, hurt, lies, etc. and as hurtful that this is for me to say, I didn't even know if she was mine. Ok now having got that out of the way, let's get to the meat of the story. After our daughter was born our relationship continued to go downhill, due to the fact that past issues were never addressed and rectified so they kept creeping up. Needless to say we decided to go our separate ways when my daughter was around the age of 5 - 6 months old. So sense she and I both had bitterness, resentment, hurt, anger and things of the like she decided her way of getting back at me would be to use a child as a weapon. Which is one of the most selfish, ignorant, evil, despicable things that one parent can do to another. Especially a parent who is trying to raise their child and be an important part of the life. So to any woman who may be upset with the father of the child do not hurt the child by refusing to allow the father to be a father when he's trying! It is one of the greatest injustices that you can do to a child. And a mother or father who is doing that, take themselves out of the situation, take your ego, take their pride, take the feelings towards the other parent and put that off to the side and do what's best for the kid. I have not had my daughter stay the night with me once since you've been alive except for when she was first born. She has kept my child away from me on every holiday, every weekend, and even her birthday which recently passed. And it's all done out of spite. I think that's about all I have to say right now to your blog but I could continue on and on. But honestly I don't want to make myself angry all over again. I commend any man or woman who's being a true mother and father and I despise any man or woman who is hindering another parent due to the fact that you are no longer in a relationship from being a parent or being in a child's life.
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
Daddy loves Dallas